So, you've come to me about advice on how to maintain a successful marriage. So that must mean that you are either desperate for any advice, or you just have nothing better to do than read my blog. Either way, I'm afraid that you may be sorely disappointed. You see, I am in the middle of divorcing my wife of seventeen years. So clearly, I am not the person that you want to talk to about this subject. Still, I think I can offer some insight into what ruined my marriage for me, oh so many years ago. So if you think you can gain any knowledge from the words that I write, then by all means, keep reading.
It was in July of the year 2000 that I entered into marriage, more blind than I could have ever imagined. I was young, naive, and to be honest I wasn't really thinking about my future happiness. To this day I am not sure why I said those two little words, because I didn't really as if she were the one that I was meant to say them to. Now, I imagine that a lot of people say that when the marriage is ending, but I assure that it is true for me. We were both so young, and I think we rushed into it. At least, I know that I did. A mistake that I would spend a very long time paying for, in my own head.
One thing that would be a lie would be if I said that I was never happy with her. There were many happy times. We had three amazing kids together, and you can't raise kids that you love with the entirety of your being without having some happy time. At least, in my case, I couldn't. So I'm not saying that it was all bad. I will say that enough of it was bad that I started regretting the decision to get married a very long time ago.
Let me stop here and say that if she is reading this, and I somehow really doubt that as she never took an interest in what I was writing, or creating, but if she is reading this, I want her to know that it wasn't all of her fault. I know that I am not perfect, and can be a bit difficult at times. So I am not blaming this end on her. That being said, I believe with all of my heart that it is over, and that it has been over for a long time.
And that leads me to the first "key": Take An Interest:
I know that this seems like such a simple concept, but I think it's one that easily gets forgotten, and placed on the back-burner. Taking an interest in the interests of the one that you love is a huge factor, as far as I'm concerned. It isn't enough to just smile, and nod. I believe that you have to really listen, and maybe even support what they are doing. Whether it be a song they wrote, a painting they have created, or just an idea that they have, you must take an interest. Speaking as someone who never felt as if she were taking an interest in my passions, I can say that it really wore me down. It only helped to solidify in my mind that I was completely alone. At this time I won't cite any examples, as I want this to be more of a general article, and not one about me. But part of me thinks that had she taken an interest in what I was doing, what I was creating, maybe this marriage wouldn't have fallen apart the way that it has.
The second "key", and please remember that these are random, and as I see them to be, is: Stop the Abuse:
There are two kinds of abuse. The more obvious one is physical abuse. Hitting, pushing, throwing things at a person, these are all types of physical abuse. And they are all horrible. No human should hurt another, but it seems to me that it is especially worse if it is being done by someone who supposedly loves you. To me, that is a huge betrayal, and one that I went through many times. And I don't think that this is all necessarily hitting, and biting, pushing and shoving. I think there are other forms a physical abuse. Things that may not seem like they are meaning to hurt, but you end up in physical pain anyway.
Then there is the emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is much easier to inflict on a person. And unfortunately there are many ways to inflict emotional abuse on someone. Especially if you know them really well, and know just what to say to hurt them. For years my wife has stood by the name of "worthless piece of shit", and I can tell you that after a while I really started to believe it. I started to believe that I was the worlds most worthless piece of shit. I can't even begin to tell you what that has done to my spirit. Year after year she found words to say that she knew would hurt me the most. And that has been one of the biggest reasons for me to move forward into the great unknown of divorce.
There's also the emotional abuse that doesn't really seem like it, until you take a step back and examine the situation. Big things that seem so little at the time, until you realize that they have changed the person that you once were. Signs that show you that you are more of a convenience, and a way of life than you are an actual loved partner. Maybe it's something like putting down a piece of art that you have created, or making you feel guilty for just wanting to get out and be with friends, or even alone, for a while.
I think that it has been the emotional abuse that has driven me out of this marriage. It's the feeling that I was completely, and desperately alone. And after a while, I realized that I was starting to believe all of the things that she was leading me to believe: that I can't make it on my own, that I am worthless, and that nobody will ever want me because I am just not good enough.
And I guess that leads me to the next "key": Don't Stray
I will admit at this point that I strayed. I felt my feelings drifting towards another. It began with emotional in-fidelity, and then kept going from there. And this is where I helped her in ending my marriage. And I guess to some there is no excuse for this, cheating on the one you are married to. And in my mind there will always be that bit of guilt over it. But after thirteen years of just wanting out, it changed me. It changed who I am as a person. I never wanted to hurt her, but she was hurting me in her actions, in her words, and in her absence. So yes, I strayed in my marriage. Twice. And the hell of it is that the first person, I regret. I regret that more than anything in the world. But the second time I fell in love with another woman, it was different. I felt more healing from this woman than I had ever received from anyone in my entire life. And it was because of her that I realized that I don't have to believe that I am not good enough. It was because of her that I realized that maybe I deserved to be treated better than someone that she stepped in.
That being said, if you want your marriage to last, do not stray. I firmly believe that had I been happy in my marriage, had I felt loved, and not just alone and cast aside, I would never have strayed. I would never have fell in love with another woman. That my marriage would have never had to end. But because of her selfish nature, I did stray. My heart became someone else's. And that is something that I will never regret, because everything feels so right with her.
I guess I don't have much more to say on this topic. Marriage is hard, my friends. Very hard. There are going to be good times, and there are going to be bad times. But, if your heart is really in it, then I believe that it could be the greatest thing in the world, and some day, I hope to be married again, to the one that makes me feel like I'm worthy. To the one that has changed my life for the better. And when I'm married to her, I'll know all of things that I should not do, and I think she'll know all of the things that she should not do. And with some hard work, conversation, and more love than I could have ever imagined, I believe we can make it. That we can be so amazing.
So, until next time... toodles.
-Rob
It was in July of the year 2000 that I entered into marriage, more blind than I could have ever imagined. I was young, naive, and to be honest I wasn't really thinking about my future happiness. To this day I am not sure why I said those two little words, because I didn't really as if she were the one that I was meant to say them to. Now, I imagine that a lot of people say that when the marriage is ending, but I assure that it is true for me. We were both so young, and I think we rushed into it. At least, I know that I did. A mistake that I would spend a very long time paying for, in my own head.
One thing that would be a lie would be if I said that I was never happy with her. There were many happy times. We had three amazing kids together, and you can't raise kids that you love with the entirety of your being without having some happy time. At least, in my case, I couldn't. So I'm not saying that it was all bad. I will say that enough of it was bad that I started regretting the decision to get married a very long time ago.
Let me stop here and say that if she is reading this, and I somehow really doubt that as she never took an interest in what I was writing, or creating, but if she is reading this, I want her to know that it wasn't all of her fault. I know that I am not perfect, and can be a bit difficult at times. So I am not blaming this end on her. That being said, I believe with all of my heart that it is over, and that it has been over for a long time.
And that leads me to the first "key": Take An Interest:
I know that this seems like such a simple concept, but I think it's one that easily gets forgotten, and placed on the back-burner. Taking an interest in the interests of the one that you love is a huge factor, as far as I'm concerned. It isn't enough to just smile, and nod. I believe that you have to really listen, and maybe even support what they are doing. Whether it be a song they wrote, a painting they have created, or just an idea that they have, you must take an interest. Speaking as someone who never felt as if she were taking an interest in my passions, I can say that it really wore me down. It only helped to solidify in my mind that I was completely alone. At this time I won't cite any examples, as I want this to be more of a general article, and not one about me. But part of me thinks that had she taken an interest in what I was doing, what I was creating, maybe this marriage wouldn't have fallen apart the way that it has.
The second "key", and please remember that these are random, and as I see them to be, is: Stop the Abuse:
There are two kinds of abuse. The more obvious one is physical abuse. Hitting, pushing, throwing things at a person, these are all types of physical abuse. And they are all horrible. No human should hurt another, but it seems to me that it is especially worse if it is being done by someone who supposedly loves you. To me, that is a huge betrayal, and one that I went through many times. And I don't think that this is all necessarily hitting, and biting, pushing and shoving. I think there are other forms a physical abuse. Things that may not seem like they are meaning to hurt, but you end up in physical pain anyway.
Then there is the emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is much easier to inflict on a person. And unfortunately there are many ways to inflict emotional abuse on someone. Especially if you know them really well, and know just what to say to hurt them. For years my wife has stood by the name of "worthless piece of shit", and I can tell you that after a while I really started to believe it. I started to believe that I was the worlds most worthless piece of shit. I can't even begin to tell you what that has done to my spirit. Year after year she found words to say that she knew would hurt me the most. And that has been one of the biggest reasons for me to move forward into the great unknown of divorce.
There's also the emotional abuse that doesn't really seem like it, until you take a step back and examine the situation. Big things that seem so little at the time, until you realize that they have changed the person that you once were. Signs that show you that you are more of a convenience, and a way of life than you are an actual loved partner. Maybe it's something like putting down a piece of art that you have created, or making you feel guilty for just wanting to get out and be with friends, or even alone, for a while.
I think that it has been the emotional abuse that has driven me out of this marriage. It's the feeling that I was completely, and desperately alone. And after a while, I realized that I was starting to believe all of the things that she was leading me to believe: that I can't make it on my own, that I am worthless, and that nobody will ever want me because I am just not good enough.
And I guess that leads me to the next "key": Don't Stray
I will admit at this point that I strayed. I felt my feelings drifting towards another. It began with emotional in-fidelity, and then kept going from there. And this is where I helped her in ending my marriage. And I guess to some there is no excuse for this, cheating on the one you are married to. And in my mind there will always be that bit of guilt over it. But after thirteen years of just wanting out, it changed me. It changed who I am as a person. I never wanted to hurt her, but she was hurting me in her actions, in her words, and in her absence. So yes, I strayed in my marriage. Twice. And the hell of it is that the first person, I regret. I regret that more than anything in the world. But the second time I fell in love with another woman, it was different. I felt more healing from this woman than I had ever received from anyone in my entire life. And it was because of her that I realized that I don't have to believe that I am not good enough. It was because of her that I realized that maybe I deserved to be treated better than someone that she stepped in.
That being said, if you want your marriage to last, do not stray. I firmly believe that had I been happy in my marriage, had I felt loved, and not just alone and cast aside, I would never have strayed. I would never have fell in love with another woman. That my marriage would have never had to end. But because of her selfish nature, I did stray. My heart became someone else's. And that is something that I will never regret, because everything feels so right with her.
I guess I don't have much more to say on this topic. Marriage is hard, my friends. Very hard. There are going to be good times, and there are going to be bad times. But, if your heart is really in it, then I believe that it could be the greatest thing in the world, and some day, I hope to be married again, to the one that makes me feel like I'm worthy. To the one that has changed my life for the better. And when I'm married to her, I'll know all of things that I should not do, and I think she'll know all of the things that she should not do. And with some hard work, conversation, and more love than I could have ever imagined, I believe we can make it. That we can be so amazing.
So, until next time... toodles.
-Rob
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