Hello, my name is Rob Mallory, and this is my story...
"...life goes from bad to worse."
That is a quote that has passed through my mind a lot lately, and at random times. And before you look too deeply into that quote, I want to explain myself a little bit. And then maybe you'll understand why I like it so much.
First off, I want to say that I don't think that I am a bad person. I think that I have made some mistakes, and some I regret pretty deeply, but I am not a bad person. I've lived my life in a lie since the summer of 2004. It's been a very rough road for me. It's a story I'm sure has been told a hundred times: boy meets girl, boy decides that it's his only chance at not being alone for the rest of his life, boy marries girl, boy has a couple kids, boy regrets marrying girl, but loves the kids. Like I said, it's not a new story. To be honest, it feels pretty cliche to me.
As the months turned to years, I realized that I wasn't the same boy that I once was. When I was younger I was depressed quite often, but somehow I always remained sunny, and happy, at least outwardly. I put on a brave face, and I moved on with my life. I was never really angry, and though I was depressed, I was able to find happiness in friends and family. But as the years passed, all of that seemed to slip away. I found that I was pretending with everyone. Even myself.
The summer of 2004 was a particularly bad year in my life. One that I try to put behind me, but somehow end up talking about far too often. That was the year that I found that I did not love the woman that I married. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew it, but certain events transpired that awakened the truth in me. By this time we had already been married four years. And while I wasn't exactly miserable before then, I could tell that there was something wrong, that I did not love her the way that I should. And looking back, I guess it's because our personality clashed. She and I were really not alike at all. We never shared thoughts. I never looked at her and saw the rest of my life in her eyes. I didn't feel any of those things that one should feel if they know that they are with the person that they are meant to spend their life with.
So in the summer of 2004, my heart started to drift away from her. I spent so much of that time feeling alone. Even with her there, I felt alone. The only things that kept me going were my kids. They were my world. I loved them so much that they gave my heart the life that it needed to kept moving onward. Still, the thoughts of ending my life crept up on me from time to time. They would sneak up out of nowhere. Often times, they would scare me. I would question my own sanity at these times: Am I crazy? Do I need help? I know that I would never do anything to end my life, but just the thoughts scared me.
The funny thing about life is that it has a way of passing you by. Somehow, thirteen years have passed since that summer. And I would be lying if I said that all of those years were bad. There were good times in there. I had another daughter (to add to the one daughter, and the son that I already had). And that was pretty amazing. She's my little princess. But even then, I felt alone in a loveless marriage.
I say loveless, but I guess it wasn't really loveless. At least, she insists to this day that she loves me. But I have no feelings like that towards her. I haven't in a very long time. So I stayed for the kids. I guess I just thought that with her I felt completely alone, but at least I had my kids. If I had left, would I even have the kids? That was a scary thought to me. How would I go on without my three amazing kids? Would I even want to? So I stayed. Year after year. Day after day. Tear after tear. On top of the emotional abuse that I felt her putting me through, there was the physical abuse as well. She wouldn't hurt my often, but enough for me to question myself about whether or not I was a "battered husband".
I know, the thought of her beating me is just silly. Why would I take that? Why would anyone take that? I guess the answer is that, I did it for my kids. The thing about that kind of thinking is that over the years my kids have seemed to have picked up on her abusive nature. Her terrible behavior. So in 2015, I started thinking, really thinking about leaving her. If she were this bad to me, and to be frank, this bad to the kids, then why stay? It boiled down to just one thing: I was scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of knowing that nobody would ever care about me. Just scared. But a funny thing happened: I met some new friends. Many new friends. Friends that made me feel better about myself. Friends that assured me that I was not as worthless as she made me feel.
It was a strange couple of years. On several occasions I told her that we were done. That I couldn't handle her abuse any longer. That I was leaving. But I would find one excuse after another, and before I knew it, another month would pass. And though I felt less sad, I had never felt so alone in all of my life.
September 2016. That was a month that I became someone that I never thought that I would become. I became the type of person that would cheat on his wife. To this day, that month, and the events that happened that month, are the biggest regrets of my life. It's crazy to think that I was even that same person during that time. If I could take back one thing in my life, it would be that. I thought that I loved her, but I realize that I didn't that I had never really known love. She didn't even make me feel any less lonely. She was my friend. I can say that with certainty: she was my friend. And I so regret ever letting it be something else. But I guess sometimes life throws things at you just to see how you handle them. I wish I had handled those events differently. Still, when September drew to a close, I found myself more alone than I had ever been in my entirely life. Here I had a wife that made me feel worthless, and pathetic. And I had a friend that had cast me aside for a life that didn't even mean anything more to her than simple convenience.
October and November are kind of a haze of sadness, wallowing in my own self pity, and depression for me. Would I always feel like I'm not good enough? Would I always feel as if I were not worthy of love? "...life goes from bad to worse," indeed.
It's funny how life seems to completely change on you, when you are least expecting it. And that was especially true on the afternoon of December 9th, when I got a text that would forever change my life. It was just a simple picture from someone that I knew of, but didn't really know. I had made it known how irritating I found a "thumbs up" emoji being sent to me. So what did she do? She took a picture of her "thumbsing" me. I don't know what it was about that picture, but I remember smiling at it, thinking that I had just heard from a long lost friend. And as the hours of conversation turned to days, and then weeks, I found myself falling for this woman... hard.
She would be the first thing on my mind when I woke up so early in the morning. And she would be the last thing on my mind as I drifted off to sleep. I can't even begin to tell you how often we chatted back and forth. Learning everything that we could about each other. By the time Christmas had rolled around, we had already met up a couple of times, and I was already hopelessly in love with her. I know people say this all of the time but I genuinely believe that I had not known true love until I had met her. It was like she was the part of my soul that had been missing for so long. I have not felt alone since that day in early December. I have not cried myself to sleep. And most importantly, I have not wanted my life to end. That is what she has done for me. That, and so much more.
"... life goes from bad to worse."
Sometimes, that is true. And as I sit her thinking about the past thirteen years of my life, that line spoke true, so often. But there's another side to that line. The more positive side. And I've tried for many years to remain as positive as possible. So to me, that line is incomplete. It should be something more like "... life goes from bad to worse, but things will get better". And they do. Though there may be some dark roads ahead of the both of us during the next few months, things will get better. Life will get better. The loneliness will fade, and what we'll be left with is a life to build together. A lifetime of memories, of happiness, of knowing true love. And that is an amazing feeling.
So from now on, life will no longer go from bad to worse. It will be what it is, and what I think it will be is absolutely amazing. And that is the greatest feeling that I have ever had in my life.
Until next time...
Rob
"...life goes from bad to worse."
That is a quote that has passed through my mind a lot lately, and at random times. And before you look too deeply into that quote, I want to explain myself a little bit. And then maybe you'll understand why I like it so much.
First off, I want to say that I don't think that I am a bad person. I think that I have made some mistakes, and some I regret pretty deeply, but I am not a bad person. I've lived my life in a lie since the summer of 2004. It's been a very rough road for me. It's a story I'm sure has been told a hundred times: boy meets girl, boy decides that it's his only chance at not being alone for the rest of his life, boy marries girl, boy has a couple kids, boy regrets marrying girl, but loves the kids. Like I said, it's not a new story. To be honest, it feels pretty cliche to me.
As the months turned to years, I realized that I wasn't the same boy that I once was. When I was younger I was depressed quite often, but somehow I always remained sunny, and happy, at least outwardly. I put on a brave face, and I moved on with my life. I was never really angry, and though I was depressed, I was able to find happiness in friends and family. But as the years passed, all of that seemed to slip away. I found that I was pretending with everyone. Even myself.
The summer of 2004 was a particularly bad year in my life. One that I try to put behind me, but somehow end up talking about far too often. That was the year that I found that I did not love the woman that I married. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew it, but certain events transpired that awakened the truth in me. By this time we had already been married four years. And while I wasn't exactly miserable before then, I could tell that there was something wrong, that I did not love her the way that I should. And looking back, I guess it's because our personality clashed. She and I were really not alike at all. We never shared thoughts. I never looked at her and saw the rest of my life in her eyes. I didn't feel any of those things that one should feel if they know that they are with the person that they are meant to spend their life with.
So in the summer of 2004, my heart started to drift away from her. I spent so much of that time feeling alone. Even with her there, I felt alone. The only things that kept me going were my kids. They were my world. I loved them so much that they gave my heart the life that it needed to kept moving onward. Still, the thoughts of ending my life crept up on me from time to time. They would sneak up out of nowhere. Often times, they would scare me. I would question my own sanity at these times: Am I crazy? Do I need help? I know that I would never do anything to end my life, but just the thoughts scared me.
The funny thing about life is that it has a way of passing you by. Somehow, thirteen years have passed since that summer. And I would be lying if I said that all of those years were bad. There were good times in there. I had another daughter (to add to the one daughter, and the son that I already had). And that was pretty amazing. She's my little princess. But even then, I felt alone in a loveless marriage.
I say loveless, but I guess it wasn't really loveless. At least, she insists to this day that she loves me. But I have no feelings like that towards her. I haven't in a very long time. So I stayed for the kids. I guess I just thought that with her I felt completely alone, but at least I had my kids. If I had left, would I even have the kids? That was a scary thought to me. How would I go on without my three amazing kids? Would I even want to? So I stayed. Year after year. Day after day. Tear after tear. On top of the emotional abuse that I felt her putting me through, there was the physical abuse as well. She wouldn't hurt my often, but enough for me to question myself about whether or not I was a "battered husband".
I know, the thought of her beating me is just silly. Why would I take that? Why would anyone take that? I guess the answer is that, I did it for my kids. The thing about that kind of thinking is that over the years my kids have seemed to have picked up on her abusive nature. Her terrible behavior. So in 2015, I started thinking, really thinking about leaving her. If she were this bad to me, and to be frank, this bad to the kids, then why stay? It boiled down to just one thing: I was scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of knowing that nobody would ever care about me. Just scared. But a funny thing happened: I met some new friends. Many new friends. Friends that made me feel better about myself. Friends that assured me that I was not as worthless as she made me feel.
It was a strange couple of years. On several occasions I told her that we were done. That I couldn't handle her abuse any longer. That I was leaving. But I would find one excuse after another, and before I knew it, another month would pass. And though I felt less sad, I had never felt so alone in all of my life.
September 2016. That was a month that I became someone that I never thought that I would become. I became the type of person that would cheat on his wife. To this day, that month, and the events that happened that month, are the biggest regrets of my life. It's crazy to think that I was even that same person during that time. If I could take back one thing in my life, it would be that. I thought that I loved her, but I realize that I didn't that I had never really known love. She didn't even make me feel any less lonely. She was my friend. I can say that with certainty: she was my friend. And I so regret ever letting it be something else. But I guess sometimes life throws things at you just to see how you handle them. I wish I had handled those events differently. Still, when September drew to a close, I found myself more alone than I had ever been in my entirely life. Here I had a wife that made me feel worthless, and pathetic. And I had a friend that had cast me aside for a life that didn't even mean anything more to her than simple convenience.
October and November are kind of a haze of sadness, wallowing in my own self pity, and depression for me. Would I always feel like I'm not good enough? Would I always feel as if I were not worthy of love? "...life goes from bad to worse," indeed.
It's funny how life seems to completely change on you, when you are least expecting it. And that was especially true on the afternoon of December 9th, when I got a text that would forever change my life. It was just a simple picture from someone that I knew of, but didn't really know. I had made it known how irritating I found a "thumbs up" emoji being sent to me. So what did she do? She took a picture of her "thumbsing" me. I don't know what it was about that picture, but I remember smiling at it, thinking that I had just heard from a long lost friend. And as the hours of conversation turned to days, and then weeks, I found myself falling for this woman... hard.
She would be the first thing on my mind when I woke up so early in the morning. And she would be the last thing on my mind as I drifted off to sleep. I can't even begin to tell you how often we chatted back and forth. Learning everything that we could about each other. By the time Christmas had rolled around, we had already met up a couple of times, and I was already hopelessly in love with her. I know people say this all of the time but I genuinely believe that I had not known true love until I had met her. It was like she was the part of my soul that had been missing for so long. I have not felt alone since that day in early December. I have not cried myself to sleep. And most importantly, I have not wanted my life to end. That is what she has done for me. That, and so much more.
"... life goes from bad to worse."
Sometimes, that is true. And as I sit her thinking about the past thirteen years of my life, that line spoke true, so often. But there's another side to that line. The more positive side. And I've tried for many years to remain as positive as possible. So to me, that line is incomplete. It should be something more like "... life goes from bad to worse, but things will get better". And they do. Though there may be some dark roads ahead of the both of us during the next few months, things will get better. Life will get better. The loneliness will fade, and what we'll be left with is a life to build together. A lifetime of memories, of happiness, of knowing true love. And that is an amazing feeling.
So from now on, life will no longer go from bad to worse. It will be what it is, and what I think it will be is absolutely amazing. And that is the greatest feeling that I have ever had in my life.
Until next time...
Rob
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