Hello again. How are you all doing out there tonight? I hope this blog entry finds you well. I can hear you all asking about how my day has been. Well, I can only tell you that it had some ups, and it had some downs. But, I guess that's life, right? Still... I'd like to thank God, or whoever it is that is out there watching over us, for another day of breathing. I think it's important that we all remember that. No matter how bad things get, and they can get bad, at least we have another day to live.
Okay, so how is that for an intro to a blog? Do you think I did okay? I like to think I pushed out a coherent thought or two, at least. I guess I should get to the point of this entry. Yes, there is one. At least, I try to get around to a point or two in my ramblings. If you want to read more, then by all means, keep reading. If you'd like to do something more productive with your time... I hear farmville is still a thing!
Today I'd like to talk about my kids. I know, I haven't done that a whole lot yet, which is weird, because they are the most important part of me. But, I guess that now is the time.
If you have read my previous two blog postings, you'll know by now that I am in the midst of a divorce. Well, "midst" isn't exactly the word. It's more like I am in the belly of that beast now, waiting for it to chew me up, and spit me out. For me, the divorce has been relatively easy so far. It has been more or less painless. But, I am not the important one in this. Not exactly. My kids are what's most important in this.
Someone told me when they first found out that I was already in a new relationship that I needed to think about the kids, and not about myself right now. I know that the majority of you that happen across this writing do not know me. You don't really know anything about me. But let me tell you something: I do not get angry easily. It's very hard to "push my buttons". But that particular comment pushed every button that I have. Since the day my oldest was born, way back in September of 2001, I have always thought about my kids. I have always put them first. And that is exactly as it should be. So for this person to tell me that I needed to think about my kids, not only did it rub me the wrong way, but it seriously hurt my feelings, and really sort of ticked me off at the same time.
When you are divorcing someone that you have had kids with, I think it's easy to lose sight of what the kids are going through at the time. It's easy to just muddle through, and assume that the kids are going to be okay. I mean, kids are resilient, right? Well yes, they are. I think that a kid is actually stronger than the adult in a situation like this. But, it is not okay to just ignore their feelings, and just know that they are going to be okay. I think that you must talk to them about how they feel. I think that you must talk to them about what is going on in their heads through this very difficult time.
When I had made the decision to leave my wife, I remember talking to my oldest first. I didn't come right out and tell him, but I think he had known for a while that I wanted to. I thought I was being cryptic in my questions about what he would think if I weren't living with his mother any longer. I slowly worked my way up to telling him that I just wasn't happy, but I was scared to tell him. Thankfully, I was surprised to find out that he already knew. Here I was, worried about breaking his heart, and it seemed to me like he was more concerned about mine. I guess all of those years that I had hid my unhappiness so well... I wasn't hiding it as well as I had thought.
I don't want you to think that I was just digging in there, and telling him that his mother was a horrible person, and that I did not love her. It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. First of all, he knows exactly who his mother is, and how she behaves. I never had to tell him. My son is a lot smarter than I may have given him credit for, had I not known him. Luckily, I know my kids very well. I have been with them through everything. There has not been a single day of their lives that I have not seen them. Not one single day. So I know my kiddos very well. So I guess I should not have been surprised to find out that my boy knew more than I had told anyone. I think kids are very observant that way. Even if they won't admit it now, some day they will realize that deep down, they had always known.
When my younger two found out, it wasn't the nice and easy way that I told my son. Not even close. My wife went into one of her usual emotional fits of rage, and just started screaming it to the girls. My oldest daughter is fourteen. And she is a very emotional kid. Things seem to bother her easier than the other two. So I wasn't sure how she was going to take the news. When my wife started screaming that I was leaving, I think she was expecting the kids to hate me. My oldest daughter's reaction was a lot like my son's; she knew it was coming. So the anger that my wife was trying to pawn off on her, did not happen. Instead, she told me only that she just wants me to be happy. Talk about melting my heart. That was one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever said to me.
My youngest daughter took it the hardest. She cried a lot that first week. She needed a lot of hugs, and a lot of reassuring that no matter what happened, both of her parents would be part of her life. Even if my wife didn't reassure her of this, I made sure that I did. Because as always in this relationship, I had to be the one to be there for the kids. While their mother thought largely only of herself. She has always had a problem of being there for them emotionally, I think.
Both of my daughters are in therapy now, and I do not think that that is a bad thing. I think that it is a great thing. Everyone needs someone that they can talk to, a place that they can feel safe. And because I had stayed in such a damaging relationship for so long, I don't think that my kids have ever really had that. So with them in therapy now, I think that it will be a great thing for the both of them. I think that they'll thrive some day.
I have always, and will always put my kids first. I will always think about them in every decision I make. And so the changes in my life that are happening right now, I have thought long and hard about what it will do with the kids. I weigh every decision I make, with them on my mind. But, there has to be a little selfishness in it. There has to be the hope that not only will they be happier, but that I will be too. Because I think that when they get older, if I had just simply stayed, they may feel guilt to know that I stayed for them. So I think that that is one of the reasons that I know that I must move on. And that we all must move into the next phase of our lives. I can't say that the next phase will be a great one, but I can say that I have thought about it from every angle, and I have made my decisions with them in my mind. Like I have since the day that they were born. And like I will continue doing until the day that I die.
I hope that somewhere in all of that barely coherent rambling, that I said something that may possibly bring some peace to someone going through the same thing that I am currently going through. I have never said that I am a smart man. And maybe what I said makes no sense to the majority of you. But, I think writing this has helped me.
And in case you are wondering, when I say I've thought about the kids in this, it isn't just my kids that I have considered. There are more kids than just mine in this equation, and I have thought about them as well. It would be selfish of me to not think of them. And even if they are angry at me now, I hope they know that I will be there for them, no matter what happens. In the end, I think that all of them will be better off when they are out of the environment of two unhappy parents, and brought into one where two grown ups love, and respect each other. I think it will teach them that there are healthy relationships out there, and to not settle for a situation where they are unhappy. That a couple should happy to be together. The way that it should be.
That's all I have to say for now. If you have read this far, I thank you. I truly do. Like I said, I may not be a smart man, but I do love words. And so I hope that I arranged these words in a way that may help someone out there. And if not, well, it helped me to get it out there. And that is fairly important.
Until next time,
Rob
Okay, so how is that for an intro to a blog? Do you think I did okay? I like to think I pushed out a coherent thought or two, at least. I guess I should get to the point of this entry. Yes, there is one. At least, I try to get around to a point or two in my ramblings. If you want to read more, then by all means, keep reading. If you'd like to do something more productive with your time... I hear farmville is still a thing!
Today I'd like to talk about my kids. I know, I haven't done that a whole lot yet, which is weird, because they are the most important part of me. But, I guess that now is the time.
If you have read my previous two blog postings, you'll know by now that I am in the midst of a divorce. Well, "midst" isn't exactly the word. It's more like I am in the belly of that beast now, waiting for it to chew me up, and spit me out. For me, the divorce has been relatively easy so far. It has been more or less painless. But, I am not the important one in this. Not exactly. My kids are what's most important in this.
Someone told me when they first found out that I was already in a new relationship that I needed to think about the kids, and not about myself right now. I know that the majority of you that happen across this writing do not know me. You don't really know anything about me. But let me tell you something: I do not get angry easily. It's very hard to "push my buttons". But that particular comment pushed every button that I have. Since the day my oldest was born, way back in September of 2001, I have always thought about my kids. I have always put them first. And that is exactly as it should be. So for this person to tell me that I needed to think about my kids, not only did it rub me the wrong way, but it seriously hurt my feelings, and really sort of ticked me off at the same time.
When you are divorcing someone that you have had kids with, I think it's easy to lose sight of what the kids are going through at the time. It's easy to just muddle through, and assume that the kids are going to be okay. I mean, kids are resilient, right? Well yes, they are. I think that a kid is actually stronger than the adult in a situation like this. But, it is not okay to just ignore their feelings, and just know that they are going to be okay. I think that you must talk to them about how they feel. I think that you must talk to them about what is going on in their heads through this very difficult time.
When I had made the decision to leave my wife, I remember talking to my oldest first. I didn't come right out and tell him, but I think he had known for a while that I wanted to. I thought I was being cryptic in my questions about what he would think if I weren't living with his mother any longer. I slowly worked my way up to telling him that I just wasn't happy, but I was scared to tell him. Thankfully, I was surprised to find out that he already knew. Here I was, worried about breaking his heart, and it seemed to me like he was more concerned about mine. I guess all of those years that I had hid my unhappiness so well... I wasn't hiding it as well as I had thought.
I don't want you to think that I was just digging in there, and telling him that his mother was a horrible person, and that I did not love her. It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. First of all, he knows exactly who his mother is, and how she behaves. I never had to tell him. My son is a lot smarter than I may have given him credit for, had I not known him. Luckily, I know my kids very well. I have been with them through everything. There has not been a single day of their lives that I have not seen them. Not one single day. So I know my kiddos very well. So I guess I should not have been surprised to find out that my boy knew more than I had told anyone. I think kids are very observant that way. Even if they won't admit it now, some day they will realize that deep down, they had always known.
When my younger two found out, it wasn't the nice and easy way that I told my son. Not even close. My wife went into one of her usual emotional fits of rage, and just started screaming it to the girls. My oldest daughter is fourteen. And she is a very emotional kid. Things seem to bother her easier than the other two. So I wasn't sure how she was going to take the news. When my wife started screaming that I was leaving, I think she was expecting the kids to hate me. My oldest daughter's reaction was a lot like my son's; she knew it was coming. So the anger that my wife was trying to pawn off on her, did not happen. Instead, she told me only that she just wants me to be happy. Talk about melting my heart. That was one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever said to me.
My youngest daughter took it the hardest. She cried a lot that first week. She needed a lot of hugs, and a lot of reassuring that no matter what happened, both of her parents would be part of her life. Even if my wife didn't reassure her of this, I made sure that I did. Because as always in this relationship, I had to be the one to be there for the kids. While their mother thought largely only of herself. She has always had a problem of being there for them emotionally, I think.
Both of my daughters are in therapy now, and I do not think that that is a bad thing. I think that it is a great thing. Everyone needs someone that they can talk to, a place that they can feel safe. And because I had stayed in such a damaging relationship for so long, I don't think that my kids have ever really had that. So with them in therapy now, I think that it will be a great thing for the both of them. I think that they'll thrive some day.
I have always, and will always put my kids first. I will always think about them in every decision I make. And so the changes in my life that are happening right now, I have thought long and hard about what it will do with the kids. I weigh every decision I make, with them on my mind. But, there has to be a little selfishness in it. There has to be the hope that not only will they be happier, but that I will be too. Because I think that when they get older, if I had just simply stayed, they may feel guilt to know that I stayed for them. So I think that that is one of the reasons that I know that I must move on. And that we all must move into the next phase of our lives. I can't say that the next phase will be a great one, but I can say that I have thought about it from every angle, and I have made my decisions with them in my mind. Like I have since the day that they were born. And like I will continue doing until the day that I die.
I hope that somewhere in all of that barely coherent rambling, that I said something that may possibly bring some peace to someone going through the same thing that I am currently going through. I have never said that I am a smart man. And maybe what I said makes no sense to the majority of you. But, I think writing this has helped me.
And in case you are wondering, when I say I've thought about the kids in this, it isn't just my kids that I have considered. There are more kids than just mine in this equation, and I have thought about them as well. It would be selfish of me to not think of them. And even if they are angry at me now, I hope they know that I will be there for them, no matter what happens. In the end, I think that all of them will be better off when they are out of the environment of two unhappy parents, and brought into one where two grown ups love, and respect each other. I think it will teach them that there are healthy relationships out there, and to not settle for a situation where they are unhappy. That a couple should happy to be together. The way that it should be.
That's all I have to say for now. If you have read this far, I thank you. I truly do. Like I said, I may not be a smart man, but I do love words. And so I hope that I arranged these words in a way that may help someone out there. And if not, well, it helped me to get it out there. And that is fairly important.
Until next time,
Rob
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