Hello me,
I really don't know what to say to me here. I've spent so long hating me, that it's hard to think of anything positive to say to me. I guess it comes from years of being led to believe that I am not, and never would be, good enough. I'm starting to believe that that isn't true, but it's difficult to break so many long years of a particular mindset. Still, to maybe help me move on from the person I was in the past, I've got to learn to be more positive towards myself. I don't know how to do that, but I'm willing to try.
I guess this time I'll just write to me about one thing that I like about myself. And today I'm picking the fact that I am generally a kind person. I treat others as I would like to be treated most of the time. I'm not saying that I'm always successful at this, but I believe that I do okay. I spent so long in my own head, tearing myself down, that I just I have always wanted to see others smile. I want to make others feel better about themselves. It doesn't take much for me to bring a smile to someone's face. I'm basically a giant goofball. So at least that part comes pretty easily to me. So in one aspect there, I am kind, in that I do care about others. Though there are some out there right now that think I am a terrible, and awful person. But that's okay, let them think that if that helps them feel better. It does not matter to me.
So why is it so hard to do this for myself? Why is it so hard to make myself smile? Why can't I look in the mirror and see someone who isn't a worthless lump of flesh? I blame years of being with my ex for that. She always had a way of making me feel that I just wasn't good enough. I know now that that isn't true. But how do I drop those feelings completely? How do I move on. How do I force myself to look into my own past, and forgive myself for those feelings. How do I forgive her for making me feel the way that she did. So alone. So isolated. So forgotten. How do I move on, and stop thinking about how utterly lost, hopeless, and abandoned I felt when I was with her. When I was with someone that didn't seem to want to pay much attention to me, especially when I needed it the most. Can I ever forgive her? Can I ever learn to just move on?
Today, I am thankful that I am still here. That I am still alive. Even though there were days that I wanted to end my life, I'm glad I stuck around, because if I hadn't, I never would have met the woman that would change my life completely. I would have never met the woman that made me feel that I am good enough. I would have never had the privilege of spending time with someone who seems to know how to wash away my painful past. I would have never met Julia. And for that, I am grateful. She is everything to me. She is my one, and only true love. I will never be able to thank her enough for that.
Today, I start to move on. To move on for Julia. To move on for my kids. To move on for myself. To allow myself to begin healing. I can do this. And I will write about it. Writing always did have a way of making me feel better. And I'll post it here, because in the end, I want my words to be read. Even if they have no impact on another, I'm hoping that have an impact on me. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to have a future that they can actually see themselves looking forward to. I deserve all of that.
Well me, I'm done talking to myself for now. Keep my head up. Life is getting better. Things are looking up. You just have to learn to be more positive about myself. I know that it will take some time, but with that amazing woman by your side, I'm sure we'll get there. Forgive yourself for the person that you perceived yourself to be, and just be happy being me.
Good bye for now,
You (me?) (I'm so confused.)
I really don't know what to say to me here. I've spent so long hating me, that it's hard to think of anything positive to say to me. I guess it comes from years of being led to believe that I am not, and never would be, good enough. I'm starting to believe that that isn't true, but it's difficult to break so many long years of a particular mindset. Still, to maybe help me move on from the person I was in the past, I've got to learn to be more positive towards myself. I don't know how to do that, but I'm willing to try.
So why is it so hard to do this for myself? Why is it so hard to make myself smile? Why can't I look in the mirror and see someone who isn't a worthless lump of flesh? I blame years of being with my ex for that. She always had a way of making me feel that I just wasn't good enough. I know now that that isn't true. But how do I drop those feelings completely? How do I move on. How do I force myself to look into my own past, and forgive myself for those feelings. How do I forgive her for making me feel the way that she did. So alone. So isolated. So forgotten. How do I move on, and stop thinking about how utterly lost, hopeless, and abandoned I felt when I was with her. When I was with someone that didn't seem to want to pay much attention to me, especially when I needed it the most. Can I ever forgive her? Can I ever learn to just move on?
Today, I am thankful that I am still here. That I am still alive. Even though there were days that I wanted to end my life, I'm glad I stuck around, because if I hadn't, I never would have met the woman that would change my life completely. I would have never met the woman that made me feel that I am good enough. I would have never had the privilege of spending time with someone who seems to know how to wash away my painful past. I would have never met Julia. And for that, I am grateful. She is everything to me. She is my one, and only true love. I will never be able to thank her enough for that.
Today, I start to move on. To move on for Julia. To move on for my kids. To move on for myself. To allow myself to begin healing. I can do this. And I will write about it. Writing always did have a way of making me feel better. And I'll post it here, because in the end, I want my words to be read. Even if they have no impact on another, I'm hoping that have an impact on me. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to have a future that they can actually see themselves looking forward to. I deserve all of that.
Well me, I'm done talking to myself for now. Keep my head up. Life is getting better. Things are looking up. You just have to learn to be more positive about myself. I know that it will take some time, but with that amazing woman by your side, I'm sure we'll get there. Forgive yourself for the person that you perceived yourself to be, and just be happy being me.
Good bye for now,
You (me?) (I'm so confused.)
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