Well now, here we go. Time to say goodbye to another year. I have grown older. I have grown wiser. But mostly, I have just grown. A lot. The person writing this year's final post is a completely person from the one who wrote it last year. I know that might not make sense. Unless, of course, you've been paying attention. Reading my blog. Following along with my adventures. And there have been a lot of them. So I guess this will be a lot different than last year.If you remember me from last year, you may remember that I wasn't in the best place for much of the year. Some decisions were made, that I will always regret. The major decision changed the man that I thought I was. But from it, also came the change and growth that I have gone through this year. October was a rough month for me. Actually, the years of 2004, through 2016 were rough. A little more of me slipped away every day.
In December of 2016, I met someone. I met the person that I know I was meant to be with. Even if I didn't know it at the time. Though, it did not take me long to realize it. She became everything to me. And very quickly. We spent that month getting to know each other. We spent a lot of time talking. We spent a lot time getting to know each other. And as that last day of 2016 ticked by, we would spend that entire night texting each other. I was in love.
And just like that... 2017. The most eventful year of my life. I have gone through so much this year. Some bad. Most good. I split up with my wife in February. It was crazy. I had told her that I needed to move on. That I just didn't love her. She didn't take it very well. Understandably. And though things got crazy from there, I apologize to her. It had to be hard to see her life crumble through her fingers. The life had she had known for over eighteen years.
I've spent a lot of this year reflecting. And the reflection has shown me that I was very angry. I held, and to a smaller extent still hold, a lot of hate in my heart for her. Our marriage was far from perfect. She was far from perfect. She hit me. She ignored me. She made me feel like I could never be good enough. And so the marriage ended. Quickly. Violently. But, it ended. It needed to. It had to. For myself. For my kids. And while this was going on, I was finding myself head over heels in love with another.
By the time March rolled around, the wife was gone, and a restraining order was in place. She bit. She broke the skin. I bled. She spent the night in jail. Again, that must have been hard for her. And I know she has her excuses for what she did. And know those excuses are blaming me. But the fact remains that she bit me. It was a pattern of behavior. A pattern of abuse. She was abusive towards me. Had been for years. She was out of the house. For all intents and purposes, I was a single father.
But through all of this, I was spending more time with my guardian angel. The woman whom I will love with my whole heart for the rest of forever. I was always with her in some way. Either talking to her on the phone. Messaging her. With her. Or thinking about her. And I must say, I have loved every minute of it. So this year has basically been about cultivating our relationship. Getting to know each other. It has been a huge part of my year.
Throughout the year, I've been dealing with foot issues. From blisters, to ulcers. To a surgery in June. It has been a rough road for my foot. And after the surgery it still never fully healed. At this point, it has now gotten worse. I do believe there is another sizable ulcer in there. And thanks to the wonderful health care in this country, to get this taken care of now is going to really hurt us financially. So though I'm optimistic about the future, the future of my right leg is... sketchy. Something to worry about for the rest of this year, and plenty of next year.
Good did come from the summer, though. Julia and I found a home together. And for the second time in my life, I moved out of Council Bluffs. We aren't far. We moved to Shenandoah. Only about an hour away. That first month was hard. My youngest was having a real hard time not being with her mother. I think that trying to impose rules, and structure was really tough on her. After much soul-searching, I decided that it would be best for her to stay with her mother. It was just too hard on her. And while the other two chose a stable home life over the situation my youngest now lives in, it was her choice. If not through her words, then through her actions. I miss her tremendously. Sometimes so much that I bread down, and cry. But from the beginning of the divorce, I told my kids that I would let them choose where they wanted to live. I do see her on most weekends. I hate the ones that I don't. But the driving. Oh God, the driving. So much gas. So much damn gas. And it's not cheap. The government is constantly making sure of that.
We drive. We drive a lot. Back and forth. And then forth and back. It's ever so fun. I can't say that I've driven more in my entire life. Like, if you totaled up all of the miles I drove before moving here, and then all of the miles after I moved here, the after would be a higher number. But, I'm okay with it. It's extra driving, but we love it here. And sometimes the scenery is just so pretty. Other times it is pretty blah. But it gives me time. I spend time thinking about stories. I spend time enjoying the quiet. I spend time fighting to keep my eyes open. I spend time with Julia. Nothing is better than that last part. It's the most important thing of all.
Another thing that I always touch on in these things are my top ten favorite albums of the year. I don't know if I can really do that so well this year. I have heard so little new music this year. The funny thing about life changing for the better is that you have less time for things that once seemed so important. I bought so very few CD's this year. I just don't need a huge collection any longer. Still, I figured I'd mentions some of my favorite albums of the year.
Since there aren't a lot, I thought I would just quickly list my favorites for the time being, and then come up with a review on my new blog (coming soon):
Pain of Salvation: In the Passing Light of Day
Starset: Vessels
Roger Waters: Is This the Life We Really Want
Styx: The Mission
Stone Sour: Hydrograd
Lindsey Buckingham And Christine McVie
Steven Wilson: To the Bone
Hanson: Finally It's Christmas
10 Years: (How To Live) As Ghosts
Lindsey Stirling: Warmer In the Winter
There were so many great albums that came out this year, that I really didn't get the chance to spend enough time with any of them. Even the ten above were listened to so very few times. So for that reason, they really aren't any kind of order. I need to dig into each of those, and all of the ones that I completely missed. There just isn't enough time. And what time I do have, I'd rather spend that time with the ones I love. Still, I'll get to them. I still love music. It is still very important to me. Just not as important as it once was.
I didn't get all of the music that I wanted to write done. But you know what I did do? I finished my first solo album this year. Back in January I released my "The Road To Forever" album. There are nine original tracks, and three covers on the album. And I am so very proud of it. Is it going to ever be a widely known album? Not a chance in hell. But, I had fun with it. And it's something that will leave a little bit of me in this world, even after I am gone. In June I released "I Don't Know...", a collection of weird instrumental tracks that I had written over the years. It's not as good as "Forever", but I still like it. It's very me. The old me. But still a version of me. And I have made my peace with that guy. I had to. And 2018 will see my second solo album. An album of songs written for Julia. I'm looking forward to much creativity in 2018.
Finally, I'd like to close this blog off with saying that I'm really looking forward to 2018. I'm looking for new possibilities. I'm looking forward to better things. I'm looking forward to so much. Life changers. Less significant things. I know that 2018 is going to be better than 2017, which was already pretty fantastic. I may write again before the calendar starts back at square one. But if I don't... Happy New Year my friends. It's been great talking to you.
Thank you very much. Good night!
Comments
Post a Comment