High Stress Situation

Hello again. It's me. Rob. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I think you'll notice that not only did nothing change here, but there's also nothing to see here. Maybe you should move along. Would it kill you to get some work done? Maybe get some lunch? It is about that time. Come to think of it, maybe I should get some lunch. But first, let me talk to you for a few moments. This won't take long. And I think we'll all be better people when it's over. Well, someone might be. I'm sure it will be totally unrelated to this post, but that's a risk that I believe we are all willing to take. Your lives are in my hands, and I like it. I like it a lot.

Today I would like to talk to you all for a little bit. I'd like to talk about high stress situations. I think you'll find that you encounter these a lot. It could be an argument with someone. It could be that you have a test coming up. It could be something as simple as needing to finish that gallon of milk that's been sitting in the back of your fridge, before the expiration date. Whatever the case may be, that kind of thing can really wear a person down over time.

I have been in one high stress situation or another for most of my life. I consider 26 (give or take) out of 38 years "most". That's my math. You just have to live with it. Anyway, it's been a stressful life. I went through elementary school pretty well. I was one of the "cool" kids. In the sense that people at least talked to me. I had friends. I had some laughs. I had a good time.

Then I got to Jr. High. Let me tell you this right now, nobody prepares you for that living shit show. That place was a nightmare. Everyone that used to be my friend suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. Hell, my best friend wouldn't even talk to me at school. Something he did not give me a heads up the day before. That would have been nice. Then I would have known not to try to sit next to him at lunch, and completely ruin his life. I know, shame on me. So yeah. Jr. High is where the bullies showed up. And there were a few of them. I had never really known bullying before. It was new. It was different. It was not wanted. It sucked. A little piece of my soul seemed to die every day. It became such a chore to drag myself to school, wondering how I would ruin a life that day. I was nothing. I was worthless. There was no point being me. I was a waste of space.

And then came High School. And you know something? Not much changed. The classes were harder. The day was longer. And though the bullies weren't meaner, they certainly weren't fewer either. I've heard that the High School years are supposed to be the best years of your life. Well I'm here to tell you that that is bullshit. At least in my case. It was four years of sadness, self-pity, and depression. I hated every minute of school life during those four years. I want from not wanting to get out of bad, to not wanting to be alive. That's an awful feeling. And you few bullies of mine, I want you all to know that you damn near succeeded. I damn near ended my life.

The good news... High School came to an end. It did. It took it's damned sweet time, but it ended. And with it, went my childhood. My wasted, alienated, and sad childhood. I took away a few good friends from those years of my life. But overall, they were terrible. I wouldn't relive that again for all of the meth in Council Bluffs. It was awful. And again, to those few bullies of mine, and mean this with the utmost respect: fuck you. Simply put, fuck you.

Then came marriage. Let me tell you folks this, that's where the real high stress situations began. Suddenly I was thrust into a life with this woman that I should have never been with in the first place. Though I didn't know it at the time, she was cheating on me. A lot. She was mean to me. Violent. And just plain angry. So I did what anyone would do. I brought kids into that nightmare. I foolishly thought it would completely change my outlook on life. It didn't. Though I love my kids with all of my heart, it only made things harder. Because now I was seeing my kids go through what I had been going through. We were ignored a lot, in favor of that day's coma. We were yelled at near constantly. I used to tell the ex that her conversational tone was screaming. She thought that I was just joking. Or maybe just being an ass. I was not.

Here I was going through another change, thanks to a high stress environment. I used to be the quietest, sweetest person. I don't know how I got through school with the sweet part, but it was still there. As the years marched by, that slowly faded. I became the type of person that would yell. I don't like yelling. Nothing is ever corrected, or solved by yelling. It's just not. It never is. Anyone that thinks that is wrong. Yelling is a useless mode of conversation. It's just going to leave more hurt feelings, and resentment. And plenty of anger.

As I was changing, so were my kids. They learned how to adapt to their environment. Years later, and just about a year ago now, I had had enough. I told her that I was done. That I no longer wanted to be married to her. That I no longer wanted to live in that high stress situation. She was shocked. She could not understand why I wanted to end things. She yelled. She hit. She pushed. She shoved. She threw things at me. She called me names. She insulted me. She cheated on me... a lot. She changed me. And I did not like the person that I had become. That was not the Rob that I wanted to be. And so I ended things.

Later I found out that she has borderline personality disorder. Let me tell you folks something, that does not have to make you a horrible person. It does not. I know people with BPD that are absolutely amazing. That don't sleep their lives away. That don't yell. That don't hit. That don't push. That don't shove. That do not throw things, call other people mean names, or even insult people. They are genuinely beautiful people. Let that sink in. You can be a good person, and still have BPD. Someone should have told my ex that. Not that it would have made a difference. But at least it would have been attempt.

My marriage ended. In 2017, my marriage ended. And there is blame on both sides. I'll admit it. I did some things I regret at the end. But about four months after that, the marriage ended. And with it, the high stress situation was done. It was over. Well, it was slowly transitioning to over. She was out of the house. I saw changes in my kids. There wasn't as much arguing. There wasn't as many tears.

I don't know what type of people my kids may have been had they not been subjected to all of that. Especially my oldest daughter, who got it the worst from mommy dearest. But I do know that they all need counseling in some way. They all have their scars. They all have their demons. And it was their mother that put them through that. Their mother. It's so sad.

So now we are in December. And things are so much different now. There are stresses in our new life. There are stresses in all lives, I think. But things are so much better now. We are now part of a blended family. And that new half of the family went through their own high stress situation. And they all have their scars. But we're doing okay. Most of the time. For my kids, there is so much less yelling. Very little yelling. It's been nice. And though one of my kids decided to stay with their mom, and will likely end up homeless again soon, the other two are doing great. They are thriving in school. Trying new things. Growing up. I only hope that the youngest realizes how much better a lower stress environment can be for her development. It takes time. And I don't know how much more time she has before it completely changes her forever.

I often ask myself how different things would have been had I left that home years ago. If I had gotten myself, and my kids out of there. What would they be like today? I try not to dwell on the answer. The answer that I gravitate towards only makes me sad. The good thing is that three of us are out of there. And though I let the youngest child stay with her mom, I did so because that's what she wanted. My daughter wanted that. Though I'm sure she'll see how rough it is there soon, I only hope it's not too late when she does.

High stress situations suck. They force you to live your life walking on eggshells. They force you to change who you are. They force you to adapt. They force you to be something that you don't want to be. But you can change that situation. You can. It's hard. Nobody said it's easy. But you can change your life. I did. I'm the most unlikely person to ever change as much as I have. But I did. I like who I am now. Or I'm starting to at any rate. It's a long road. It's a hard road. And it's a road that, if you need to change your life. I recommend you start walking it. Because to stay on such a hard road, when there are easier roads out there is insanity. And it's just not worth it. We only get this one life to live, my friends, so get busy living it in a way that makes sense to you. Live it in a way that brings a smile to your face. And live it in a way that you can look back on and be proud of what you had done. Because life is way too short to live in a constant high stress situation.