Our Story - Part 01

“I am tired of hearing your voice. You talk too much, and I never liked listening to you in the first place. You hurt my head, you break my heart, and I just don’t like you. I wish you would just get out of my head, and go someplace else.” I look at the man in my head out of my mind’s eye. He is smiling. Despite my anger, and frustration with him, he somehow manages to keep his serious face on. It’s he face that he keeps on when he is attacking me from the shadows of my own mind.

“You may be tired of my voice, but you know I’m right. You know that everything I say to you is the truth. You know that you are just as worthless as I tell you that you are. You won’t ever amount to anything, you won’t ever matter. You have no talent. You have no voice. You are nothing”. He’s smiling now. He knows that I listen to every word that he says. No matter how much I try to block him out, he knows that I hear him. I always do. I always have.

“Why do you have to do this to me? Why can’t you leave me alone? Why must you make me feel as if the world would be a better place without me?”

He’s almost laughing now. It’s a heartless laugh, devoid of any real good-humor. “Because, you worthless piece of shit, the world would be a better place without you.” He’s laughing so hard at this point, that it’s hard to hear him clearly, but I know what he’s saying. Deep down, I know every word. “Nobody will miss you when you’re gone. You do realize that, don’t you? You could disappear off the face of the planet, and other than some brief feelings of loss for a few people, nobody will care that you’re gone. Nobody will care. You won’t be remembered. You don’t deserve to be.”

I’m crying now. I can’t help it. The tears always come. The guy knows how to make me cry. He always has. He knows each and every button that I have. He knows how to cut me so that the knife goes in the deepest. He knows each and every word that will break me in two. He learned them from people around me. He learned them from people in high school. He learned them from people I thought cared about me. The hardest part is that he learned them from the woman who once promised to love me, and treat me with kindness and respect. He learned each and every word from someone else. And he has always known how to make me wish that I were dead.

“People will remember me,” I tell him, with tears now flowing down my cheek, “people will remember that I made them laugh.”

“You do realize that those people were laughing at you, and not with you, right?” He winks at me then. He winks, and smiles a little bigger. “You were never funny. Not in the way that they said that you were. They’re only laughing at the worthless piece of shit that’s standing before them. They’re only laughing at how pathetic you are. They’re only laughing at the fat mess in the room. They’re only laughing at you.”

I don’t know what to say to him at this point. He won’t stop talking unless I agree with him. And he knows that in the end I always agree with him. I always agree with the mean, and horrible things that he says about me. He knows me as well as I know myself. The fact that he is me makes no difference. He has won. Like always, he has won. I concede, and give him what he wants.

“You’re right. I know you’re right. I’ve always known. I’ve known since Jr. High that I am nothing. I know that I will never be anything. I know that you’re only telling me because you’re my friend.”

“I’m not your friend, you worthless piece of shit.” He learned this phrase from my ex-wife. This phrase, this name-calling, was her favorite thing to call me. She used this line often. I guess she didn’t want me to forget it, and neither does he. “I am not your friend, and would never want to be. Nobody wants to be your friend. You’re too pathetic to even feel sorry for. Why won’t you just die?”

“Because,” I tell him, ready to fight for another day, “I don’t want to die. I have to believe that I am here for something. I have to believe that somebody wants me here.”

“You’re wrong. You know you are. But I am too tired to keep arguing with you right now. So, here’s what I want you to do: I want you to sit there and remember just how useless you are. I want you to think about what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are. I want you to remember that nobody will ever love you. I want you to remember that she was right, your ex was right, you are, and always will be a worthless piece of shit.”

And with that, he leaves me alone… for now. But I know he’s still in there. He never goes away. He may hide away for a little while, but somehow, when I’m feeling like he may be gone for good, he finds his way back to me. The me who I don’t want to be, always finds the me that I’m trying to be. And it’s because of him that I cry so easily. It’s because of him that I struggle to get through the day sometimes. It’s because of him that I waited for the sweet relief of death for so long.

Things change. Seasons change. People move on. Voices grow lighter. But they’re still there. Waiting. Always waiting. He’ll be back. That voice inside of me, that me that I pretend isn’t there will be back. But this time, I’ll be ready for him. I’m ready to tell him that he has always been wrong. I only hope that I have the strength to stand up to him this time.

This is the story of that voice. Oh, and it’s also my story. This is the story of a long high school existence. This is the story of a hard, loveless marriage. This is our story.