I had this morning ritual. I've had it for a very long time. I'm glad that it's no longer a part of my day. It makes life a little bit easier. To be honest, there are days I want to do it again. But for the most part, I've left it behind. There was a time, in the not-so-distant past, where I would wake up each morning, and look at myself in the mirror. It doesn't take long. It's just something that I would do to get my day going. After looking at myself for a few moments, I would remind myself that I am a fat, worthless, piece of shit. I would look at myself like I did not matter (because I didn't), and then I would move on with my day.
I don't really know why I told you all that. It's not something that I have ever told many people. To my knowledge, just one. But I may not even have told her. I can't remember. It's not exactly something that someone should brag about. Or be proud of. I guess it's just that other guy in my head. The mean one. The one that is louder than my positive voice.
It's weird. I have always been a pretty positive person, outwardly. If you know me, you know that I'm always trying to put a smile on another person's face. Meanwhile, there may be a smile on my face, but inside I'm just aching. I'm just wanting to die. It's hard to live like that. But I have. I have for a very long time.
Before I got to seventh grade, I think that I was a fairly happy kid. I had friends. I had fun. I laughed a lot. And when I laughed, I meant it. It was good-natured, totally happy laughter. That feeling was slowly taken from me. One thing after another, and what was left was an overweight ginger, who would rather be dead than to get out of bed one more day.
By the time I got to high school, every day was a struggle. Outside I was the same Rob. On the inside, I knew that this world would be better off without me. The all consuming thought through much of my High School years was a pretty bleak one. I just wanted to die. I didn't want to carry on with it any longer. It would be easier to be dead, than to listen to the teasing, and the taunts, and the unwarranted hatred towards me.
I went through High School without ever once having a girl that liked me in any way. I didn't even have any friends that were female. I know that it's not important, but it would have been nice to feel like I maybe wasn't so worthless, that I couldn't even register as a friend to the "fairer sex". I remember in High School gym class, when we were supposed to be learning square dancing, I got out of it many times. Not because I was sick, or injured. I got out of it because they all refused to touch me, or my hand, in any way. So I would sit on the bleachers, and try not to cry. It was lonely at the bottom. It always is. And the thoughts of suicide kept going. That other voice inside, the one that was getting louder every day, was close to winning. I just didn't know how much more I could take.
High School is said to be the best times of your life. Well, why is that to so many it is actually the worst times of your life? That's so unfair. Being bullied is so unfair. I'll never understand why so many can only feel better about themselves, if they make another person's life miserable. It was a pretty rough four years on me.
I had this one bully in High School who was absolutely horrible to me. This asshole thought he was just the funniest person in the world, for making me feel like I was completely, and utterly useless. Shane Mass. I still hold feelings of disdain for him. He was an absolutely awful person. I'm glad I'm not the violent sort, or I'd be locked up somewhere because of him. He was that horrible. The asshole even started stalking me at work. Trying to make life outside of school terrible. I don't forgive him. I wish I could forget him. I hope he's living a good life, though. We all deserve that. But I'll never forgive him. I almost killed myself because of him.
Luckily, you move on. You move from one challenge to the next. And while High School was rough, I was going to learn that life doesn't get much easier. And now, instead of just sitting around, and learning, you have to work your life away. There is nothing better than knowing that you're going to be working, for a very long time. And I was always one of the lucky ones that got to work worthless, minimum wage jobs. I just have never been good at much. I'm what you might call "mediocre, at best. So it was time to work. Although, I started work at fourteen. A decision I still regret to this day.
I don't really know why I told you all that. It's not something that I have ever told many people. To my knowledge, just one. But I may not even have told her. I can't remember. It's not exactly something that someone should brag about. Or be proud of. I guess it's just that other guy in my head. The mean one. The one that is louder than my positive voice.
It's weird. I have always been a pretty positive person, outwardly. If you know me, you know that I'm always trying to put a smile on another person's face. Meanwhile, there may be a smile on my face, but inside I'm just aching. I'm just wanting to die. It's hard to live like that. But I have. I have for a very long time.
Before I got to seventh grade, I think that I was a fairly happy kid. I had friends. I had fun. I laughed a lot. And when I laughed, I meant it. It was good-natured, totally happy laughter. That feeling was slowly taken from me. One thing after another, and what was left was an overweight ginger, who would rather be dead than to get out of bed one more day.
By the time I got to high school, every day was a struggle. Outside I was the same Rob. On the inside, I knew that this world would be better off without me. The all consuming thought through much of my High School years was a pretty bleak one. I just wanted to die. I didn't want to carry on with it any longer. It would be easier to be dead, than to listen to the teasing, and the taunts, and the unwarranted hatred towards me.
I went through High School without ever once having a girl that liked me in any way. I didn't even have any friends that were female. I know that it's not important, but it would have been nice to feel like I maybe wasn't so worthless, that I couldn't even register as a friend to the "fairer sex". I remember in High School gym class, when we were supposed to be learning square dancing, I got out of it many times. Not because I was sick, or injured. I got out of it because they all refused to touch me, or my hand, in any way. So I would sit on the bleachers, and try not to cry. It was lonely at the bottom. It always is. And the thoughts of suicide kept going. That other voice inside, the one that was getting louder every day, was close to winning. I just didn't know how much more I could take.
High School is said to be the best times of your life. Well, why is that to so many it is actually the worst times of your life? That's so unfair. Being bullied is so unfair. I'll never understand why so many can only feel better about themselves, if they make another person's life miserable. It was a pretty rough four years on me.
I had this one bully in High School who was absolutely horrible to me. This asshole thought he was just the funniest person in the world, for making me feel like I was completely, and utterly useless. Shane Mass. I still hold feelings of disdain for him. He was an absolutely awful person. I'm glad I'm not the violent sort, or I'd be locked up somewhere because of him. He was that horrible. The asshole even started stalking me at work. Trying to make life outside of school terrible. I don't forgive him. I wish I could forget him. I hope he's living a good life, though. We all deserve that. But I'll never forgive him. I almost killed myself because of him.
Luckily, you move on. You move from one challenge to the next. And while High School was rough, I was going to learn that life doesn't get much easier. And now, instead of just sitting around, and learning, you have to work your life away. There is nothing better than knowing that you're going to be working, for a very long time. And I was always one of the lucky ones that got to work worthless, minimum wage jobs. I just have never been good at much. I'm what you might call "mediocre, at best. So it was time to work. Although, I started work at fourteen. A decision I still regret to this day.
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