In August I will once again be a father. A father to a baby girl. We found this new piece of information out at a party on Friday night. It was a great party. To be honest, when Julia and I cut into that cake, we were not expecting it to be pink. The both of us were so sure, for whatever reason, that we would be having a boy. I guess this baby had other plans. There was no disappointment though. At least for me, I was so very happy. No matter what the gender turned out to be, I was going to be happy.
Here I am, rapidly nearly 39 years old, and I am having a baby. I am having a baby with a woman that I absolutely adore. There is no other way to put it; I adore her. I love everything about this woman, and I can't wait to start yet another new chapter with her. It's been a whirlwind relationship. I don't believe there has been a dull moment in my life, since I met her. And as we near this new challenge, I approach with excitement, happiness, and maybe a bit of caution... hey, babies aren't cheap, now are they?
To say that I'm not nervous would be a lie. I was a much younger person when my youngest was born. I wasn't even in my 30's yet. I was nearing it, as it was eleven years ago, but I was much younger. As a younger man, I must say that I wasn't exactly in the best of shape. I may be better now. At least, for the most part. There is still the tale of my right foot. Something I'm hoping will work itself out for the better, and soon. But I am no spring chicken.
Speaking of spring, spring started just last week. I've always thought of spring as a time of rebirth. Of invigoration. A season where all things become new again. The cold winter months are rapidly falling behind us, and green is sprouting up everywhere. I rather enjoy spring. It gets dark later. There's an excitement in the air. It's a wonderful time to be alive. With all of the stress and the worry that still permeate in my mind, there is so much optimism. There is so much hope.
Speaking of hope (I'm enjoying that "speaking of" segue), Julia and I have decided to name our baby girl, Hope. I know, it's a beautiful name. And one that I will be proud to call my daughter. You see, this baby girl has brought me new hope. A hope that was started when I met Julia. And a hope that will continue growing, as we welcome our baby girl into this world, just four short months from now. By then, spring will be over. And summer will be upon us. And I will be with a very pregnant girlfriend when summer is at its hottest. Hope is due in early August, and I'm sure it will be a scorcher outside. That's kind of how the seasons work. But as we carry on with this pregnancy, and Hope is developing into the beautiful person that I am sure she will become, it is spring. A season of newness, and hope.
Sometimes I think about where my life is, and where it was just a short year and a half ago. I was a different person then. I was living a lie. Both inside my head, and outside of my head. I was waking up only to go back to bed again, just as soon as possible. And although I had my kids, and I love all three of them dearly, for some reason I just couldn't make that enough in my heart. I was stuck in a relationship with a woman I knew I didn't want to be with. At the time, I didn't even want to know her any longer. Fast forward to now, and I am with the woman of my dreams. We are having a baby. We are still starting our lives together. And while the memories of that past life remain, not all of them bad, and some of them very emotional, I look forward to the future. I mean, if I can say it yet again, "We're having a baby!". To say that I'm excited would be a crazy understatement.
As we move through these last few weeks of the second trimester, and approach the third, and final trimester, I find myself getting more excited. Looking more forward to the life that I have in front of me that I ever have. So even though spring will give way to summer, this year, both seasons are a season of rebirth. I am being reborn into the man that I always wanted to be. The kind of man that can wake up in the morning, look at the love of his life sleeping peacefully with his little baby, and know that everything is going to be alright. I can't wait for that.
Rebirth is a funny thing. It's a thing that I never would have imagined would ever happen. Not even in my wildest dreams. It's a concept that I hadn't even considered. Julia gave me that rebirth. Our six children gave me that rebirth. Hope is giving me that rebirth. I'm becoming who I always wanted to be: a person that doesn't want to die. A person that wants to live. A person that is proud to be who he is. A person that can look in the mirror, and smile. A person that can look up into the sky, and thank the maker for the life has finally given me.
I owe everything to Julia. I owe everything to our kids. I owe everything to my family, and my friends. And I owe everything to hope. And I must say, my friends, that life is good.
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