Ladies & Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce to you all that I have decided to run for President in 2020. I have so very much to offer, and great ways in which to help this great country, and so I figured that it was time to throw my stump liner into the ring. And after a lot of careful consideration, and spending many hours in a thought so deep that I'm sure many people thought that I was legally dead, I have decided to choose a fork with one bent tine as my running mate.
I bet that you are all thinking about whether or not I have any political background. The answer is, "it doesn't matter." Why would we need someone qualified for this job? Why would we ever need someone who knew what they were doing? My job is to just say mean, and hurtful things, pretend I care about hot button issues, and then play a few rounds of golf. So no, I do not know anything at all about politics. And in the end, you don't care if I do or not, so don't pretend that you do. Don't lie to yourselves. Lying will be my job!
Now at this point, I am sure you are all wondering what sort of platform I'll be running on. And I thought about this as well: I don't need a platform. Before you get angry, hear me out: The last person to win the presidency took a stupid phrase, promised to build a useless wall, and he won the presidency. So all I really need is a bullshit phrase. Something really witty, that will make the racist public of this country really rally 'round my cause.
"Make America America Again".
Doesn't that sound just beautiful? Oh sure, "Make America America Again", or "MAAA", may not be the perfect phrase, but it will get the hateful, racist, angry Americans out, and voting. They'll come out in droves to support me. I will go out into each crowd, saying something more ignorant, and hateful each night. And people will eat it up. I will lie with each word I say. I will steal, I will cheat, and I will treat everyone like something that I stepped in. And the idiots of the country will eat it up.
I will admit that I feel entitled to grab your mothers, wives, and daughters in any way that I see fit. and for some crazy fucking reason, it won't matter to you. I will publicly mock disabled reporters, and show just how mean spirited, and hateful I can be, and it won't matter to you. Not one damn bit! Because that's what makes this country great, my friends: rich, white males.
I'm not rich now, but I will be when you elect me, and the Bent Tine Fork into office! I'll tell you all that I am donating my $400 K salary to various charities, and institutions, while making you all pay millions so that my spoiled wife can live in nearly failed hotels. And why? Because you gullible morons will believe any lie that I sell you.
Or maybe I'll do the opposite of all of this, and actually be a kind, decent, and caring person. One that wouldn't sell out my country to some Russian asshole, for the price of a few new jets. Because not everyone in the US are fucking hateful idiots, as much as the current administration would have you believe. My fellow Americans, I know that myself, and Bent Tine Fork can do a better job than the asshole in charge now. Hell, just the fucking fork would do a better damn job!
So there you have it folks. Rob is going to make America America Again. And I can't do it without each and every one of you. So when November of 2020 rolls around, I need all of you to do what Americans do, and eat too much food! Oh, but do that after you vote. Because we entitled shit heads need to remind the world that we are better than everyone, but not until after lunch.
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