I was recently gifted with one of the most amazing inventions of all time, an Instant Pot. It came to me through a generous grant from the "My Older Brother Foundation". Okay, so my older brother gave it to me. From the first time I used this marvel of modern magnificence, I knew that I was in the presence of something special. It was as if God himself opened up the clouds, pointed with his triton (or whatever the hell that guy points with), and said, "Let there be fucking Instant Pot!" And it was good. No... it was brilliant. It's a pot that very much cooks things in basically an instant. I mean, what the hell is there NOT to love about something such as that?!
Let me paint a picture for you all: You're walking through life with your head above the clouds, cooking all of your food in pots, pans, microwaves, and toaster ovens. It's okay, but it takes so long. So long that you have imagined clubbing a herd of baby seals more times than you would care to admit. It's a Wednesday night. Blossom reruns are on the television, and you're standing there at the stove with a wooden spoon in one hand, your head in your other hand, crying silently because it's taking so damn long to make this simple pot of chili. It's been nearly an hour, and you still have upwards of five minutes to wait, before you can slop a few scoops into your family trough, and call the kids in for dinner. Not that you're looking forward to that part, you just want to be done cooking. Dear God, why can you not be done with all of the damned cooking?!
As you feel your will to live slowly drain away, your neighbor bursts in with a bowl of chili that she just made in a pot that cooks things instantly. You're skeptical about it, but dammit, you try it anyway. After-all, how often does your neighbor really bring you food? Not often enough, I'll tell you that right damn now! You cautiously take a bite of this chili that she claims took only fourteen minutes of cook time, and it's like all of the stars have aligned for the first time in... ever. Fourteen minutes for a perfect pot of chili? Holy shit, that's a savings of 45 minutes! Just think of all of the things that you can do in 45 minutes! Sweatin' with the oldies? Check! Name all of the pebbles in your driveway? You bet your fuckin' ass! Steal a Volvo, and go for a joyride up to the coast, where you catch a gackle of sea creatures, and chain them up in your torture chamber, until they tell you just how many licks that fucking owl really took? Sure. Why the fuck not?! Catch up on your correspondence? Well, don't go too overboard here.
I have made a lot of food in that Instant Pot in the past couple months (at least, I think it's been about that long. I guess I don't really have the best grasp of time!). The first thing I made was a chicken soup that was so damned good, you would have thought that I had let the meat and veggies soak in the seasoning overnight, but I did not, my friends. I sure as fuck did not. I threw some veggies, frozen chicken, and seasoning in the Instant Pot. I set that son of a bitch, and then I promptly forgot it. Seven minutes later, and we had a very tasty lunch. I believe that I became an Insty right then (I'm pretty sure that that is what Instant Pot lovers are called these days!).
And the other things I have made, have all turned out great. Except for the popcorn. If someone tells you that they made a great pot of popcorn in this thing, you can just assume they're lying. Because I couldn't pull it off. And if they can, then you can also just assume that that person is the reincarnated spirit of a dead cooking genius. I was going to name one, but to be honest... I got fucking nothing. It's getting late, and I'm quickly running out of my usual wit, and charm. I know, it's sad, but you can't expect me to keep up my awesomeness all damned night. You selfish shit-heads!
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that if you are on the fence about using an Instant Pot, get the fuck off of that fence, wipe those tears of cooking frustration from those mascara drenched eyes, and get the hell to Walmart, and purchase one. You should probably get a Coke Zero as well, because that is just a delightful drink. And after all of the work that you went through to make that chili the night before, you damn well deserve a frosty, cool beverage. Truth!
Let me paint a picture for you all: You're walking through life with your head above the clouds, cooking all of your food in pots, pans, microwaves, and toaster ovens. It's okay, but it takes so long. So long that you have imagined clubbing a herd of baby seals more times than you would care to admit. It's a Wednesday night. Blossom reruns are on the television, and you're standing there at the stove with a wooden spoon in one hand, your head in your other hand, crying silently because it's taking so damn long to make this simple pot of chili. It's been nearly an hour, and you still have upwards of five minutes to wait, before you can slop a few scoops into your family trough, and call the kids in for dinner. Not that you're looking forward to that part, you just want to be done cooking. Dear God, why can you not be done with all of the damned cooking?!As you feel your will to live slowly drain away, your neighbor bursts in with a bowl of chili that she just made in a pot that cooks things instantly. You're skeptical about it, but dammit, you try it anyway. After-all, how often does your neighbor really bring you food? Not often enough, I'll tell you that right damn now! You cautiously take a bite of this chili that she claims took only fourteen minutes of cook time, and it's like all of the stars have aligned for the first time in... ever. Fourteen minutes for a perfect pot of chili? Holy shit, that's a savings of 45 minutes! Just think of all of the things that you can do in 45 minutes! Sweatin' with the oldies? Check! Name all of the pebbles in your driveway? You bet your fuckin' ass! Steal a Volvo, and go for a joyride up to the coast, where you catch a gackle of sea creatures, and chain them up in your torture chamber, until they tell you just how many licks that fucking owl really took? Sure. Why the fuck not?! Catch up on your correspondence? Well, don't go too overboard here.
I have made a lot of food in that Instant Pot in the past couple months (at least, I think it's been about that long. I guess I don't really have the best grasp of time!). The first thing I made was a chicken soup that was so damned good, you would have thought that I had let the meat and veggies soak in the seasoning overnight, but I did not, my friends. I sure as fuck did not. I threw some veggies, frozen chicken, and seasoning in the Instant Pot. I set that son of a bitch, and then I promptly forgot it. Seven minutes later, and we had a very tasty lunch. I believe that I became an Insty right then (I'm pretty sure that that is what Instant Pot lovers are called these days!).
And the other things I have made, have all turned out great. Except for the popcorn. If someone tells you that they made a great pot of popcorn in this thing, you can just assume they're lying. Because I couldn't pull it off. And if they can, then you can also just assume that that person is the reincarnated spirit of a dead cooking genius. I was going to name one, but to be honest... I got fucking nothing. It's getting late, and I'm quickly running out of my usual wit, and charm. I know, it's sad, but you can't expect me to keep up my awesomeness all damned night. You selfish shit-heads!
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that if you are on the fence about using an Instant Pot, get the fuck off of that fence, wipe those tears of cooking frustration from those mascara drenched eyes, and get the hell to Walmart, and purchase one. You should probably get a Coke Zero as well, because that is just a delightful drink. And after all of the work that you went through to make that chili the night before, you damn well deserve a frosty, cool beverage. Truth!
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