Today, I think it is time to hit on a subject that I have been quiet about for far too damn long. It's a subject that may come off as highly controversial, but it is one that we must talk about anyway. Now, I'm sure that most of you have discussed this amongst yourselves, but I don't think that that is how a truly civilized society should act. I think that we are all adult enough to discuss the real hard-hitting issues that affect all of our lives so greatly. So I'm going to need you all to pull up your big boy, or girl pants, and we're going to dive right in here. I hope that you can all remain civil in the comments, and show everyone on the internet that you can be mature. Because if you can't, then we've got a real problem here. Today, my friends, I want to talk about how truly evil Jello is!
Let's start with Red, one of the most awful of all of the Jello flavors. Imagine a time, if you will, when I was very young. Now, I'm pretty old, so that time was so long ago. I was hanging out with some friends, helping old people at a retirement home, when it was time for a snack. The director, we'll call her Thelma for legal reasons, brought out a tray of treats. On this tray was everything, from hard candies, to fruit cakes, and even some chewy steak bites. But the one thing on this tray that caught our eye was... you guessed it, Red Jello. It was just sitting there, looking at us with its damned "come hither" eyes. Now, we weren't' allowed to partake in the snacks. We were just kids. But those old folks could have snacks. And while there was only one container of Red Jello, it seemed like everyone wanted it. From that first moment, it became a damn blood bath in there. The lovable old Jimmy body slammed Helgatha to the floor, causing her a concussion that would lead to the coma that ended her life. Saul punched Maria in the face, breaking her nose. And Seth totally grabbed a knife from his pocket, and stabbed Charlene in the kidney. So we learned that day that Red Jello causes men to beat women. And that is not a society that we want to live in. I know I sure don't. So remember, my friends, do not eat Red Jello, unless you want to see a man locked the fuck up for violence against women!
In the United States we have real problem with racism, and hatred. It's gotten so bad since President Obama left office that you can hardly get through your day without some southern male jack-ass saying something hateful, or racist. There are tweets filled with anger, and bitter name-calling. There are Facebook posts about hate-crimes, and intolerance. It has gotten so very bad. So bad that I am afraid to even leave my house on most days. It's sad really. The state of this once great nation has gotten nearly beyond repair. And the one thing that all of these hateful, racist bigots have in common is Orange Jello. I don't know what it is about the color orange that makes people hate so hard. But it does. Orange Jello is the cause of all hatred, and anger in the US. And it must be stopped! So if you eat Orange Jello, or maybe you look up to someone that has eaten so much Orange Jello that they themselves have taken on an Orange hue, then you just might be a racist asshole.
Yellow Jello rhymes. One would think that that would make it delightful, but it does not. I've never been able to put my finger on the reason for Yellow Jello sucking so bad. Maybe it's the taste? Maybe it's the very odd color; as if it knows that yellow is a dumb fucking color, but it just can't admit it. Maybe it's the way that Bill Cosby used to spike the Yellow Jello with roofies, and rape women in their sleep? Or maybe it's just its piss poor attitude? Who knows for sure. What I do know is that there is something far more sinister than we could ever really point out. For those reasons alone, it is definitely best that we not eat the Yellow Jello. Because much like the yellow snow, there is something sour tasting about it.
Let's talk for a moment about the color Blue. Often times when you have a baby, Blue is observed as the color for boys. Now, in a statistic that I am going to completely make up here (If the president of the United State can do that, so can I), more boys are aborted than girls. When you eat Blue Jello, you're basically saying that you are okay with abortion. However, if you don't eat Blue Jello, you're saying that women shouldn't be allowed to choose what they can, and can not do with their own bodies. So, for those reasons, Blue Jello is bullshit, and must be stopped.
Green is the color of grass. In the winter, grass dies. When grass dies we think of our own mortality. When we think of our own mortality, we tend to get depressed, which is already easy to do in the winter. When we get depressed we lose all sight of what is good, and beautiful in the world. When we lose sight of what is good and beautiful in the world, we lose all our happy thoughts. When we lose our happy thoughts we slowly go crazy. When we go crazy, we observe our second amendment rights and we buy a gun. When we buy a gun, we buy a shit ton more guns. When we get a shit ton more guns we also need to get a shit ton of bullets. When we get a shit ton of bullets we shoot up schools. When we shoot up schools, our guns kill people. Not us. Guns kill people. People do not kill people. Folks, Green Jello not only supports the needless murder of people, but it also wants to take away your right to bare arms. And that is bullshit!
So there you have it, my friends. The topic that needed to be discussed. Are some of these things hard to hear? You bet your damn ass they are. But they need to be talked about, so that we can change our ways before we go to Hell. I can't begin to stress the important message here. From violence against women, to racism and hate, to date-rape, and even murder, Jello is terrible, and it must be stopped. I hope that you can all take this information, and spread it around. Because if we do not learn from our past, and our mistakes, then people, we are doomed to repeat it.
Thank you, and good-night,
Rob
PS: Purple is the color of the "Cease & Desist" order that I am bound to receive from the makers of Jello. And that is an action the infringes upon my right to free speech. And that, my friends, is complete and utter bullshit!
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