Have you ever had a grilled cheese sandwich that was so delicious that it damn near felt like time stopped for you, and your grilled cheese sandwich? Well, I sure as hell have. And today, I'm going to tell you just how to make yourself one of these delectable grilled cheese sandwiches. So come along with me, as we walk down this wonderful cheese road, to a house made of fantastic grilled bread.
I fully appreciate that some dads out there may not know how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Simple though they are, I can understand that this shit may get a bit confusing to some of you dads out there. You are probably a lazy asshole, and just force your poor, overworked (wife / girlfriend / mother) to make your lazy, entitled ass your sammiches. And that is why I am here today. I am here to tell you all how to make your kiddos a cheap, and quick lunch. You know, just in case the mothers out there need a break.
Part One
I was maybe five years old when I'm sure I had a grilled cheese sandwich. I would assume that my mom made it in our tiny kitchen. It was bread, with cheese. The bread was slathered in butter, and the cheese was melted in between the bread. If you've never seen what that looks like, it sort of looks a little bit like cheese melted between two slices of bread.
When I ate that sandwich, using my teeth, I could almost imagine Sir Patrick Stewart giving me a high five, and getting me an Earl Grey Tea... hot. It was probably pretty inspiring, sitting there at a small kitchen table, built for four, but with five chairs around it. The kitchen may have been clean, and it may have been dirty. I guess for this story, it may not be important, but we'll just say that it was clean, to save us all a lot of time.
It was the days of my youth that really taught me what it means to be a man. If only I could find those old video tapes of Blossom reruns that I had once hidden under my mattress. But that was many years after this, and not really important to this story... at all. What is important to this story was that sandwich. That cheesy, grilled sandwich.
It was the days of my youth that really taught me what it means to be a man. If only I could find those old video tapes of Blossom reruns that I had once hidden under my mattress. But that was many years after this, and not really important to this story... at all. What is important to this story was that sandwich. That cheesy, grilled sandwich.
Part Two
Grilled cheese was invented at some point during the natural evolution of human kind. My family and I went for a car ride once. I don't remember where we were going, but we had ice cream cones at the end of that drive. I think I had a vanilla ice cream cone. I learned that day that grilled cheese sandwiches don't taste like ice cream. At all. It was quite a shock to the system. I was waiting for that grilled cheese taste, and it never came.
Cars are a crazy thing when you think about it. You can't make grilled cheese in a car. At least, I've always said that. I can't recall the first time that I said that. It must have been a long time ago, or just today. Like, at the beginning of this paragraph. I really can't recall which. So if you're making your own grilled cheese sandwiches, don't do it in your car.
In many places, it is illegal to text on your phone while you drive. If you are caught driving and texting at the same time, I am fairly certain that you can get a ticket. Tickets cost a lot of money. At least, they can. Especially if they write the ticket for a high price. When tickets are written for high prices, they can cost quite a bit to pay off. To my knowledge, it isn't necessarily illegal to make a grilled cheese sandwich while driving, but just to be safe, it's probably best to not make this recipe while driving.
Cars are a crazy thing when you think about it. You can't make grilled cheese in a car. At least, I've always said that. I can't recall the first time that I said that. It must have been a long time ago, or just today. Like, at the beginning of this paragraph. I really can't recall which. So if you're making your own grilled cheese sandwiches, don't do it in your car.
In many places, it is illegal to text on your phone while you drive. If you are caught driving and texting at the same time, I am fairly certain that you can get a ticket. Tickets cost a lot of money. At least, they can. Especially if they write the ticket for a high price. When tickets are written for high prices, they can cost quite a bit to pay off. To my knowledge, it isn't necessarily illegal to make a grilled cheese sandwich while driving, but just to be safe, it's probably best to not make this recipe while driving.
Part Three
There are many types of cheeses that you can use for many types of things. There's mozzarella for a delightful Italian dish. There is goat cheese, for if you want to make goat type dishes. There are cottages, in case you want cottage cheese. The possibilities, while not limitless, are quite numerous. I could have Bubba from Forrest Gump come in and tell you them all, but shrimp was more his thing. So that's not an option.
Now, when I make a grilled cheese sandwich, I really like to use a nice sharp cheddar. To get it extra sharp for making a good grilled cheese, I suggest using a good knife sharpener to get the job done. You know that your cheese is ready when you can shiv someone in the kidneys, prison style, and they bleed a whole lot.
I find that to really get your cheese sharpened, it takes about the amount of time that it took Dorothy and her gang of fictional characters to run through the fields of poppies. So, I don't know, a good amount of time. And just like they did, leave yourself time here to take a bit of a nap. A grilled cheese always tastes a hell of a lot better after a nice long nap. Maybe a day or three. This is your world. You create it. You dream it, and you create it. You fucking dreamers, and creators are what makes this planet so damned beautiful. I love you. I love you all.
Part Four
Some jokes are really cheesy. Some jokes just do not make any sense. And since some jokes don't make sense, they may come off as cheesy. "The boy fell in the mud." That is a dirty joke that we used to tell as kids. It was funny. It made us all laugh, and laugh. Now, I guess that they call those "dad jokes". I am a dad. And sometimes dads have to make lunch. And what better lunch is there to make than a delicious grilled cheese sandwich.
I fully appreciate that some dads out there may not know how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Simple though they are, I can understand that this shit may get a bit confusing to some of you dads out there. You are probably a lazy asshole, and just force your poor, overworked (wife / girlfriend / mother) to make your lazy, entitled ass your sammiches. And that is why I am here today. I am here to tell you all how to make your kiddos a cheap, and quick lunch. You know, just in case the mothers out there need a break.
There are some recipes that need a whole lot of measuring cups, and whisks, and pots and pans, and all sorts of confusing shit. But for this one, all you need are a butter knife, a frying pan, and a spatula to flip those greasy sum-bitches. And that, my friends, is all that you're going to need to put your taste buds into a sort of delicious ecstasy. Does this titillate your senses? You're flingin' flangin' right it does! Read on fellas. And ladies... you can read along too.
Part Five
I am a huge music fan. One thing that I have always done is listen to a lot of music. There isn't a single activity out there that can't be made better by listening to music. Hell, I'm listening to music as I write this. A blistering metal track from Dream Theater called "Constant Motion". Sometimes I just gotta have some heavy prog metal in my ears. It calms me. Yes, my friends, loud-ass, heavy metal seems to have a soothing effect on me. Especially when there are Jordan Rudess keyboard solos. So when I make recipes such as these, I certainly like to have a bit of music playing.
You don't have to listen to prog like I do. Hell, I'm guessing that most people don't care for prog. So I'll tell you this, you listen to whatever makes your ears happy. Is it REM? Fantastic, you can lose your religion to this recipe. Do you like Vanilla Ice? Well, you can use some ice to cool these sandwiches down, baby! Do you prefer the sweet sweet sounds of Slayer? Well, let the blood reign down on you! Maybe your ears enjoy Kenny G? Well, this recipe probably isn't for you. Eat your prunes, and get to bed, grandpa. You have an early morning tomorrow, and a greasy, delicious grilled cheese sandwich is probably not for you.
All others... keep reading. Because when you see my mind numbing recipe, you are going to be absolutely shocked at how good these things are, and how damned easy they are to make. The only way they would be easier would be if you were to make an open faced grilled cheese sandwich. But don't do that shit! That is just ridiculous, and would be a tragic waste of time!
Part Six
Do you have only a few dollars to spare to make yourself a delicious, one person lunch? Well, my friends, we have all been there. Could you just give up on life, cook up a package of ramen noodles, sit in your easy chair, and watch Jerry Springer until you die? Oh sure, you could do that. But you don't want to. Not when there is something that is only slightly more expensive, but far tastier that could be eaten in your future.
Here's what you're going to do. You're going to hop into your beat up Chevy Pick-Up truck. You're going to get your dog, your shotgun, and that mean poem that you wrote about your ex-wife, and drive down to the Wal-Mart where you seen plenty of good food, and you're going to get the fixins for a good cheeseburger. That's what you're going to do. You're going to turn the radio on, and drive down to the store.
Wait... what was that noise? A text alert? Shit, you'd better answer that. It could be Uncle Elmer, inviting you over to his place for a nice plate of pot roast. Just don't get caught checking your phone.
Shit! Too late. You're getting pulled over. This is going to be expensive. Oh how I wish that you had listened to me. But alas, you did not. And now you have a $300 ticket. Dumb ass.
I guess that you don't have enough money to buy a pound of ground beef now. Why, whatever shall you do? I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to get the ingredients that you need for a grilled cheese sandwich. That's what you're going to do! They're fast. They're easy. And they're cheaper than your mom on a first date. Don't worry, my friends, this is going to work out. Everything is going to be okay. You're going to be okay.
Ingredients
1. A loaf of the cheapest bread. Store brand, with just a touch of mold should do it. It's cheaper that way!
2. A package of pre-sliced cheese, because the other stuff is just too fancy. You can get the cheapest stuff they have, because once that shit is melted, it's really the buttery, golden brown toast that you're going to enjoy the most.
3. A small container of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" I couldn't believe that it was not butter, and believe you me, neither will you!
Instructions
1. First, you're going to butter two slices of bread with your "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter", preferably with a butter knife. But the bones of your enemies should work fine, if that's all that you have laying around.
2. Place one slice of your buttered bread, butter side down, on a pan, and turn the pan on medium high. Don't turn that shit up to high, or you'll burn your lunch. And with that texting ticket that you have to pay, you just can't afford to burn your shit!
3. Place a slice of cheese on top of your bread, and place the second piece of bread, butter side up, on top of the cheese. This step is tricky, because it technically contains two bitsof instruction, but I'm sure you can handle it!
4. Take a Scooby-Doo plate out of the cupboard to places your sandwich on real quick. Now, after a minute or two, you're going to want to take a spatula, and flip that sum-bitch. If the other side looks golden brown, you're on the right path. If it's not, that's okay, we'll just add one extra step at the end of this.
5. After a couple of minutes, flip your sandwich again. Then ask yourself this question: "Are both sides golden brown?" If you're answer is yes, then skip to step seven.
6. Well well, dumbass, it appears that you didn't get one or more sides golden brown. Well, that's okay, you just need to keep flipping until both sides are golden brown. Go ahead, we'll wait for you ahead in step seven.
7. Now that both sides of your grilled cheese sandwich are golden brown, use the spatula to carefully place your sandwich on the Scooby-Doo plate that you took out of the cupboard, and take that plate to the table.
8. Enjoy your sandwich. You have earned it.
9. A little later on, you'll find out that you forgot to turn the burner off, and now your beautiful girlfriend has a blister on her finger. Good going! Sorry, Julia!
In Closing
Well, there you have it folks. I hope that by now, you have all enjoyed your sandwich, and are on the back stoop of 227, with Jackée Harry enjoying an ice cold Royal Crown Cola with your friends, and family. It has been a long day, and we both know that you needed it. I'm proud of you all for what you have accomplished on this day. I know that it wasn't easy, but you did your best, and it paid off in golden brown crust. And in the end, that is all that really matters in this life.
Until our next recipe, this has been "Cooking With Rob", with your host, Rob. Good-night, Cleveland. Wherever you are.
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